2020.2.5 The 14th Day of Wuhan City Closure
Today is the 14th of the Wuhan City closure. I have been writing this diary for two weeks now.
I first took pen in hand to help ease my own anxiety and panic. I didn’t think I was writing something that other people would read. I didn’t think about what I would write or how long I would keep writing this diary. Even today I don’t know what I will write next or how long I will be able to keep writing.
Sometimes I wonder whether what I write here is too trivial. After all, I have never been on the frontline of an epidemic. I haven’t had to face up to my own panic or any great difficulties (I am very grateful for that). I am doing no more than protecting the safety and stability of the lives of a small family. So I wonder if I am over-dramatizing my situation here with my complaints or does what I write really amounts to moaning and groaning by someone who is really doing pretty well?
However, looking at this from another angle, I didn’t have any intention of describing the overall situation. I am writing to give only my own personal perspective — that of an ordinary person in an affected area. I am recording what I I have heard and seen and the daily life of my family and friends to record what I saw, what I recorded, and the daily life between me and my family and friends. Although the scope of my narrative just involves a few hundred people at the very most, they are just the kind of people who now make up most of Wuhan. So I don’t worry about what I write being merely one aspect or microcosm of Wuhan.
Ever since I began writing this diary, I have worried that I will be unable to restrain that self-examination that is part and parcel of self-censorship. Will I be filtering out what can’t be said from what can be said and to what extent one should say certain things. But I have never felt fear because what I write is true. I have not exaggerated nor have I invented anything. Telling “the truth” is what is most important so I am confident that I am doing the right thing.
But something did frighten me today.
When I discussed Fang Bin today with a good friend she sent me a screenshot of a chat. The chat screenshot showed a soldier who said that if he would “shoot him right away to give him the death penalty right on the spot” My friend, a gentle, beautiful, and kind girl whom I like very much, said "Makes sense to me!"
In that instant a chill pierced me to the bone, planting fear deep into my heart.This is a country that has always claimed to be “ruled according to the law”. Yet one can, in this country, so easily set aside legalities, and without going through any legal process or trial arbitrarily take the life of a citizen. I am not pretending to be a foreigner. I know that this happens all the time. My friend, however, a kind and generous university-educated woman whom I very much like clearly holds that same view. That makes me shudder with fear.
I even hesitated several times before writing this down for fear that she would see what I had written. Yet before this happened, I had great trust in and affection for her. There really must be a group of people in this land who have barbarism and evil written into their very genes. Has this land been cursed?
I felt so said. It made me feel all torn apart inside and uncertain.
Recently there have been even more rumors. Especially after the news of the infected supermarket workers spread, there a great deal of discussion about the “the closing of the supermarket” and “the imposition of martial law”. I can neither believe nor disbelieve these rumors. Although officials have been “refuting rumors”, ever since the epidemic broke out there have been many “rumors created by official refutation of rumors”. Distinguishing between the true and the false is very hard. I can only prepare by assuming the worst intentions and the worst case scenario.
For the past two days, I have hesitated to go out and buy some more vegetables and other food to prepare for what may be coming. The recent outbreak news makes me apprehensive. When I look at photos on the local WeChat chat group I see that many of the local supermarkets are crowded and have long lines. That makes me very worried. Then with my family I went through all our household stocks , even all the ingredients usually used for baking. After my mother made careful calculations we could be reassured that our stocks would be enough to last us a long time and so I gave up the idea of going out to go shopping. However, I recently added many apps for shopping fresh produce to my mobile phone. I will keep in mind the daily opening, order procedure, and delivery rules of each platform for to be ready when I need it.
Speaking of which, my mother made full use of her talents as an experienced housewife. In my house, we usually throw away the white radish we buy for our soup. These days, my mother dries it to make salted vegetables. She also opens and washes Chinese cabbage to make it into pickled vegetables. Mother usually likes to eat cakes I bake. I used to make one or two every week, but mother had mother ordered me to stop baking cakes after the city closed because I was using too many eggs.
I saw a video about an apparently infected and needing to be quarantined young mother who kept telling her young daughter there in the room with her, in a sobbing tone, to “Stay away from me” and “You should be good.” Seeing a video, a young mother who seems to be infected and needs to be quarantined, left her young daughter in the room, and said in a crying voice, "You stay away from me" "You must be obedient."
That made me think back to how just a few days ago I had a bad cough and, fearing that I had become infected, put on a face mask and stayed in my room... What happened then was my mother started crying, scolding me that I was scaring everyone to death and that “If our family has any problem, we’ll face it all together.” But when she herself didn’t feel well and feared that she was running a fever herself, she put on a face mask and closed herself off in her own room, saying just what that young mother had said in the video “You should get a little further from me.”
There are many different ways that I could discuss my mother’s irrationality. But it wouldn’t help solve anything.
So I didn’t say anything.
2月5日 武汉封城第14天
今天是封城的第14天，这个日记也写了两周。
最初提笔，是为了缓解自己的焦虑和恐慌，没有想过自己可以写些什么、可以写多久。直到今天，我也不知道接下来会写些什么、还能写多久。
有些时候我会反思，这里记录的一切是否太过琐碎；毕竟我没有在疫情一线的经历，我没有直面那些恐惧和苦难（对此我万分庆幸），我所做的一切不过是在保障一个小家庭的平安稳定，因此，我所写的会不会太过矫情和无病呻吟呢？
然而，换个角度想，我原本也不想参与那些宏大的叙事，我只想代表“我”——一个疫区中的普通人，记录自己的所见所闻、记录我和家人朋友间的日常，虽然我所能辐射的人群恐怕最多也就几百，但是这些人正是现在在武汉的多数。
哪怕只是一个侧面和缩影。
我从开始写这个日记就时常感到害怕，我会无法克制的进行着自我审查，筛选哪些能说、哪些不能说、哪些应该表达到什么程度。但是我从来没有恐惧过，因为我写的都是事实，是真实的情况，我没有夸大、更没有捏造，而“真实”比任何都重要，我认为我做的是对的。
但是今天发生的一件事情让我恐惧了。
我在和一个好朋友谈论方斌的时候，她转给我一个聊天截图，据说聊天对象是一位军人。在这个截图里，这位军人说应该“直接枪毙，就地正法”，而我的朋友，一个我很喜欢的温柔、漂亮、观之可亲的女孩子说“我觉得有道理”。
那一瞬，我觉得有一种刺骨的凉意，让我从心底里感到恐惧。
这是一个时时标榜着“法治”的国家，在这个国家里可以如此大方如此轻易的宣扬不经法律、不经审判就剥夺一个公民的生命——我不装外宾，我知道是惯常发生的事情。但是我的朋友，一位受过高等教育、生活中非常善良有同理心、我很喜欢的一位女性，居然也认同这样的观点，这让我不寒而栗。
我甚至在写这些的时候都犹豫再三，因为我害怕会被她看到。而在此之前，我明明是对她无比的信任和喜爱。
这真是基因里写入了野蛮和邪恶的一群人，这片土地是被诅咒过吗？
我太难过了，我又陷入了这种撕裂和拉锯中。
最近的传言特别多，尤其是超市员工感染的消息扩散后，“超市关门停业”“军管”的传言也甚嚣尘上，真是信也不是、不信也不是。虽然官方有“辟谣”，但仅是疫情发生以来，“造谣式辟谣”屡见不鲜，实在让人难以分辨，我只能以最大的恶意、最坏的打算去预估未来的发展。
我这两天一直在犹豫着要不要出门再买一些蔬菜食物，以应对后续可能的变故。但是最近疫情爆发的情况实在让人心惊，而且看到本地群里的照片，很多超市都出现了拥挤和排队的情况，这让我非常不安。于是跟家人重新整理了家里的存货，连平日囤起来做烘焙的食材都全部清出来做了安排，经过妈妈的细细盘算，确定还够维持一长段时间，这才打消了出门的念头。不过我的手机里最近新增了很多生鲜购物的APP，每个平台的上线开售时间、下单方式、配送规则我都一一牢记于心，以备不时之需。
说起来，妈妈这段时间把一位资深主妇的精打细算的能力发挥到了极致。为了煨汤买的白萝卜在我家平时是会把皮扔掉的，这几天被妈妈晒干做成了咸菜；大白菜也拆开、洗净，做成了泡菜。平时妈妈最喜欢吃我烤的蛋糕，以前每周都会让我烤一两个，但自从封城后就明令禁止我烤蛋糕了——因为太消耗鸡蛋。
看到一个视频，一位似乎是已经感染需要隔离的年轻妈妈，让年幼的小女儿呆在房间里，语带哭腔的说“你离我远一点”“你要乖乖的”。
就……想起来，前几天我咳嗽很厉害，担心自己感染中招，于是在家里自我隔离，戴上口罩关在房间里……结果被我妈骂了一顿，要我不要传播恐怖气氛，“有什么事大家一起承担”。可是后来她身体不适，担心自己发烧时，赶紧戴上口罩把自己关在房间里，还说了跟视频里的年轻妈妈一模一样的话“你离我远一点”。
我可以组织很多语言去论证我妈妈缺乏理性，对于解决问题起不到任何作用。
但是我说不出口。
Comments