2020.2.2 the 11th day of the Wuhan lockdown
Before I start writing the diary today, I just searched “face mask” on Xian Yu (an online second-hand market platform) and set the location as “Wuhan”. I found that there were a few sellers with newly-registered or never-used zombie accounts.
I can’t determine if they are selling fake products, if the employees of the Red Cross are reselling donations, or if they have special channels. But I have decided to cancel my judgement about the Red Cross made yesterday.
Considering the cost and high threshold of doing evil things, I thought they did not have the capacity to line their pockets from the donations. But judging from the information I have received so far, I might have overestimated them.
For example, a reporter filmed a video clip, in which someone transported a box of 3M face masks from the temporary warehouse of the Red Cross, to a car of Wuhan government. There was “car for government use” visibly painted on the vehicle. They even did not care to change to another car. Do you consider this a sign of “no principles” or an unbelievable “stupidity”? I don’t know. I only know it must have been their daily life philosophy, but exposed this time.
Afterwards, the video and the related news were taken down from the “hot topic” section on Weibo and the original blog was deleted.
What does it mean when “taken down from the hot topic”? It is “I don’t care if you have seen it, I only care if I don’t want you to see it, you can’t see it”. Yes, this is a version of “cover the ears while stealing a bell” story. They know that we know; they also know about us knowing that they know; but they don’t care at all. It does not exist when all of this can’t be seen. This is the basic logic of “maintaining stability”. We see that they are stealing the bell, we also hear the bell ringing, but we can only pretend it is not happening.
If someone pays attention to the expense on “maintaining stability” in the budget, he/she will understand the source of confidence in their “no principles” and “stupidity”, and the protection of their inexhaustible privileges.
A few days ago there was an argument on a Wuhan local WeChat group that I participate in. Someone had mentioned that a family member, after a CT scan confirmed their coronavirus pneumonia diagnosis, was told by the physician to return home and put themselves into home quarantine. Another member of the chat group started abusing him, accused him of "spreading rumors" adding"I hope your entire family dies!" I haven't written about this. There is just no way that I can explain it. I don't even explain why "I can't explain it".
I don't know why that person starting cursing someone out about something that is happening around us everyday. Moreover, this is a local Wuhan group on WeChat. This is the Weibo microblog. I feel that at best that person has some kind of mental problem. Recently, our group of friends has been discussing just how long this "closure" period will go on. Judging by the current situation, two conditions would need to be satisfied in order to erminat the current closure:
1) All of the infected people exhibit symptoms.
2) All the infected people get medical treatment and are all put into isolation and cured. The first condition is something that we are all working on. We must wait patiently for God to call out our name. But that second condition? To judge by our current situation, the number of people infected far, far exceeds our original estimate. If we include asymptomatic virus carriers and people with mild symptoms, would we have enough hospital beds to accommodate everyone?
According to numbers given on the news broadcasts, the two new hospitals are expected to have a capacity of about 2500 beds. I am afraid that will not be enough even for the seriously ill patients. Recently we have already seen reports of infected people who deliberately spread the virus to other people. It is very important to treat all symptomatic patients the same way. Today I saw some reports about temporarily appropriating some hotels to isolate people who have mild or moderate symptoms. However, the central air conditioning of the hotels I am familiar with are seem to be unsuitable for receiving and treating infected people. Be that as it may, under the current conditions of extremely constrained resources, would putting all those people together in one place really ensure that they get good medical care? Wouldn't that just turn out to be the beginning of a new tragedy? When will it end? I just don't know. Sometimes I get very pessimistic. Has Wuhan become a kind of smelter tempering human material? The ones who get make it through this tempering process survive, those who don't die until the process finally comes to an end.
There was a suicide yesterday. It is said that a "diagnosed" patient couldn't get hospitalized due to overload. He was worried about infecting his wife and child returning home. Public transport unavailability meant he would have to walk a very long distance to and from the hospital to get treated... Therefore, he jumped off the Wuhan Yangtze River Bridge. This is not the first suicide I've heard of these days. The location where it took place is most familiar of mine however. This person could have even passed me by at some point. Related photos and videos leave me in great sorrow.
I'm not able to verify if what I heard was what happend. But I'm convinced that there must be people going through this. I could think of 100 reasons for them not to abandon their lives, meanwhile, I could genuinely understand their fear and desperation. Since I started writing this diary, I've requested myself to stay as objective and authentic as possible.
Every piece of news I wrote, I would try to find verification from different sources to get myself convinced. I'd stay as calm as I could when depicting all this. But now I realize I was wrong. There's no way for me to be completely "objective", for I am not a bystander but a sufferer.
This helplessness is happening right around me - my friends, my family and those acquaintances I've called "uncle" and "aunt" - I could even feel their gasp when they were having trouble breathing. I can't help but to reflect on myself: Am I merely being hypocritical and cold-blooded when I stay in so-called "objectiveness" and "calmness"? I could get so indignant that it'd make me tremble. There are a lot more I've heard of. I'm not able to verify.
But I would know! I know those are true! I know! I know many are dying without a sound! They have been living individuals, not just numbers. But reality is they could not even be counted as numbers.
Even though every single Wuhanese had died, I wish someone would remember for us: They were the murders!
2月2日 武汉封城第11天
在写今天的日记之前，我刚刚上闲鱼（内地线上二手交易平台），搜索“口罩”，定位“武汉”，可以发现有几个口罩卖家明显是新注册或明显没使用过的僵尸账号。
我现在还无法判断是售卖假货，还是红十字会的人在倒卖捐赠物资，或是确有某些特殊渠道。但是我决定收回昨天对于武汉红十字会的判断。
我之前认为他们现在没有能力中饱私囊，是考虑到作恶的成本和门槛。但是从现在接收到的一些信息来看，我可能太高估他们了。
比如昨天有记者拍到有人从红十字会的临时仓库搬出一箱3M口罩放上了武汉市政府的公务用车，车身上赫然还有“公务用车”的字样——他们甚至都没想要换一辆车。你说这是一种“肆无忌惮”还是一种匪夷所思的“愚蠢”？我不知道。我只知道，这一定是深植入他们日常的一种生活哲学，只是这次暴露了出来。
然后，这个视频及相关的新闻已经撤下了微博“热搜”，连原微博都被删掉了。
“撤下热搜”是什么意思？是【我不在乎你看过没，我只在乎我不想让你看到的时候你就看不到】。是的，这是一种“掩耳盗铃”，他们知道我们知道，他们也知道我们知道他们知道，但是他们根本不在乎，只要这一切看不到，就是不存在。这就是维稳的基础逻辑。我们看到了他们在偷铃铛，我们也听到了铃声，但是我们只能装作什么都没有发生。
如果有关注每年财政预算里的维稳开支就会明白，什么是他们“肆无忌惮”或“愚蠢”的底气，是什么保障了他们享之不竭的特权。
我所在的一个武汉本地群里，前几天发生了一次争吵。当有人提到家人经CT“确诊”医生要求回家自我隔离时，有一个人跳出来进行了非常激烈的辱骂，称对方“造谣”，诅咒其“死全家”。我一直没有下笔记录这件事，但始终在我心里无法释怀，我甚至自己都无法解释这种“无法释怀”的原因是什么。
我不知道这个跳出来咒骂的人为什么会质疑这件每天都在我们身边发生的事情，毕竟这是本地群，不是微博。我甚至觉得，最“好”的情况可能是这个人精神有问题吧。
最近我们朋友间常常在讨论，这个“禁足”阶段会持续到什么时候，按照现在的情况，可能需要满足两个要求：
1、所有感染者全部出现症状
2、所有的感染者全部就医，完成隔离治疗
第一条是我们每个人都在做的，耐心等待着上帝的点名。但是第二条呢？按照现在的情况，感染者的人数是远远超出我们预估的一个数量，如果算上病毒携带者、轻症患者，是否有足够的医院床位接收这些病人？
根据现在新闻里给出的数据，两座新建医院预计床位总共2500左右，恐怕甚至不够重症病人的收治。
最近已经看到一些确诊感染的病人故意传播病毒的消息了，将所有有症状的患者统一收治是很必要的事情。今天看到有报道，会临时征收一些酒店作为轻症、中度感染病人的隔离治疗场所，但是据我所知酒店的中央空调系统似乎不适合传染病人收治，何况我也会担心，在现在这样物资极度缺乏的情况下，将这些病人集中，真的能保障他们得到很好的治疗吗？会不会成为另一场悲剧的开始？
什么时候才是尽头？我不知道，有时候甚至会悲观的想，是不是在拿武汉炼蛊，直到每个人都感染上病毒，活下来的人留下，死去的人离开，才算是结束？
昨天发生了一起自杀事件，据说是一位“确诊”感染的患者，医院没有床位收治，回到家担心会传染给妻儿，看病没有公共交通，往返医院要走很远很远……于是，他从武汉长江大桥上跳了下去。这不是我这几天听闻的第一起自杀，但这个地点是我最熟悉的，甚至这个人都可能曾与我擦肩而过，照片和视频让我特别难过。我现在还不知道是不是确如传闻所说，但我相信现在一定有人经历着这些。我可以找出一百个理由告诉他不必放弃自己的生命，但我也能实实在在的理解他的恐惧与绝望。
从写这个日记开始，我要求自己尽量保持客观、真实。落笔的消息，我会进行多方证实，至少是能说服我的才会写下来。我尽可能去冷静的描述这一切，但是现在，我觉得我错了，我不可能做到完全的“客观”，因为我不是旁观者，而是亲历者。
当那些无能为力就发生在我的身边——我的朋友、我的亲人、我曾叫过“叔叔”“阿姨”的熟人——我甚至能感受到他们呼吸困难时的喘息声，我会忍不住反省，我的所谓“客观”“冷静”，是不是一种虚伪、一种冷血。
我是会愤怒的！我会气到颤抖！我还听到了很多，我没有证据去证实，但是我知道！知道那些是真的！我知道！
我知道有很多人正在悄无声息的死去！他们是活生生的人，他们并不是数字，但他们连数字都排不上。
就算武汉人都死完了，我也希望有人替我们记住，那些人就是杀人凶手！
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